for love and money
my new good luck charm
Blanca, a Salvadoranean friend of mine, had her mother send me a good luck charm from Salvador. I have to wrap it in green for money luck…and not just any old shade of green; a particular shade of moneyish looking green…and red for love. I am wrapping mine in both because what good will the money do me if I lose my love.
I did not ask her what type of bone or tendon this is. I was too surprised by the gift, and the seriousness with which it was given, to ask what it was. I just scrambled around looking for the correct green and red until Blanca was satisfied. Plus…one of my goals this year is to make a bunch of money. I wasn’t about to look a good luck money charm in the, in the whatever.
I have to carry it with me at all times. I have taken to wearing my purse around my neck all day long…even indoors. It is hanging off my shoulder as I write. I haven’t slept with it yet. How many boners does a woman my age want in bed at any one time…heh heh heh. William finds it really creepy so he probably wouldn’t take to me sleeping with it either and thus the “love” part of the charm might become tarnished. Everyone else who has seen it thinks it is really cool and wants one of their own. I really do love where I live and the people I know!
Maybe Blanca’s mother could start a new business…this could be where our money will come from! We will sell Salvadoranean boner charms to Americans. I should probably find out what it is first. Several friends think it comes from the private parts of some critter, but I think that is just the salacious temperament of those particular friends. A Peruvian friend of mine thinks it is a lucky rabbit’s foot…not quite like the fuzzy ones I remember from my childhood.
Seriously, though, wasn’t it really sweet of Blanca’s mother in Salvador to do this for me. I already really like the Salvadoranean people I know and I am madly in love with Salvadoranean restaurants. I now have still another reason to spend my time eating pupusas…the Salvadoranean grilled cheese sandwich. As an aside here, why is it that the Salvadoraneans can give me two freshly hand-made thick tortillas stuffed with cheese and lightly fried for $3.60 and it costs like $6.00 for one single American grilled cheese?
Odds 'n Ends...the next generation 
Newsflash: I showed my bone to Raul this afternoon and he was offered a job 2 hours later. It works! Maybe I should stand on the corner and charge people to touch my bone!
Dear Ms Curtiss,
The Indian Shrew (circa London 1976) has recognised your bone as his missing male appendage. Although he is at a loss as to how the bone managed to find itself in Salvador (particularly given the language, dietary and exchange rate hurdles that it would have faced) and ultimately in your possession, he says that he would recognise it anywhere. He is delighted that it has finally turned up!
Although it might seem a trifling matter to you in comparison with an elephant’s tusk or white rhino’s penis, rest assured that the IS has been inconsolable at the loss of his biggest male bit. Clearly he would much prefer it to be in his own hands or… than hanging around your neck and exposed to any passing Tom, Harry, Raul or Dick.
Accordingly, he has instructed me as his legal representative to recover his errant bit. In the alternative, he is seeking appropriate monetary compensation to cover pain, suffering, considerable loss of pleasure (put yourself in the IS’s postion – not easy I can assure you), the cost of a penile implant and my fees (you’re right, it does make money!). Payment would be preferred in Australian dollars (or even Indian rupees), given the state of the US economy.
Spike and Spiked
Solicitors to the stars and Indian Shrews.
Dear Mr. Spike and Mr. Spiked,
I am actually acquainted with Mr. Shrew and wish to inform him that this bone is most assuredly not his. If his bone is missing, I can only attribute it to the careless treatment with which he handled the poor thing and to which I was a witness, which would then make it a matter of finders keepers, losers etc. I find it impossible to believe that he is a victim of a smash and grab type of robbery.
I would also add that this appendage, though it did seem to have a few personal advantages, did not facilitate “getting lucky” for him, so I sincerely doubt that it would prove lucky to anyone else. My lucky bone on the other hand is now a proven luck provider. Ergo they cannot be the same.
Please tell Mr. Shrew, however, that he is most welcome, for a modest fee, to download the photograph to see if it brings him luck in finding his lost love. Make sure he gives it a red border. As I prefer to deal in US$, these costs should be negligible to those of you in booming economies.
I noticed that you are also a solicitor to the stars. I am seriously considering wishing upon a star. Perhaps you have a personal contact with one which is close to falling?
Sincerely,
Ms. Curtiss
Dear Ms Curtiss,
My relationships have always been conducted on a purely professional basis. As a consequence, I am not on such intimate terms with any falling stars that I could recommend them to you to wish on or otherwise. However, you could try Olga, a fading Russian starlet who suffers from periodic bouts of vodka induced vertigo. I understand that she is available at very short notice.
What I do have is a fallen arch – a product of my tibial tendon being weakened with age and heavy activity. It is in the mail and you are most welcome to do with it anything that you wish.
Always a pleasure to be of help.
Orthotically yours,
Spike